


just survive somehow.

by hannahsviolets



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED 808, F/M, Major Spoilers, Mentions of Rape, bisexual enid but it's only mentioned, there's other characters obviously but i dont wanna tag bc that's annoying, this is both a tribute to carl and somewhat of an enid character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 07:17:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13002654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahsviolets/pseuds/hannahsviolets
Summary: Enid feels dumb for being shocked because really, she always knew there was an expiration date on this. There was no way that she and Carl were going to make it out of this together. It was always one or the other. She’d known that from the second that they met and yet here she was, curled up behind a tree, knees pulled to her chest.





	just survive somehow.

**Author's Note:**

> i can't even begin to express how much i love carl, and how much i always have. he was a symbol of hope and survival and always made me want to keep going, even when i felt like i couldn't. i'm so heartbroken over this, but i hope this fic is somewhat of a good tribute

      Enid feels dumb for being shocked because really, she always knew there was an expiration date on this. There was no way that she and Carl were going to make it out of this together. It was always one or the other. She’d known that from the second that they met and yet here she was, curled up behind a tree, knees pulled to her chest.

      She hadn’t cried when Rick had told her. She’d managed to hold it together and act like she’d known it was coming. Besides, she was certain that Rick didn’t want to see her tears. Carl had been his son. He’d known him all his life. Enid had only known him for what? A year? Who knows? She’d stopped keeping track of the days long ago. For her to cry in front of Rick would seem ridiculous.

      He’d left a note, Rick explained. He’d known that he was going to die and had prepared for it. Rick doesn’t read it to her, and Enid doesn’t expect him to, but he says that Carl had asked for him to tell her that he loved her. He’d used some of his last words just to speak of her. It’s so cheesy, yet romantic, and it’s so unlike Carl. He’d always been so reserved. It took a lot to even get a laugh out of him. He never initiated kisses. The most he would ever do with other people around was hold her hand and he considered having his arm around her to be intimacy.

      “What did he say exactly?” Enid had asked, avoiding eye contact.

      “’Tell Enid that I love her and that I wish I could’ve told her to her face. Tell her that she’s stronger than I ever was and that I know she’ll beat this thing,’” Rick recites, because clearly he’d memorized this final request from his son. His son. Fuck. Enid felt so fucking guilty for the way her heart broke. “We’re uh, we’re gonna b-bury him in the next couple of days. I’ll let you know, okay?”

      The last fucking thing she wants to see is Carl’s body being lowered into the ground. Is everyone in fucking Alexandria just supposed to gather around and watch as if it’s a real funeral? Half of those fucking people didn’t even know Carl. Knew of him, sure, but they didn’t know shit about him. He’d saved all of their lives and they probably couldn’t even tell you that his favorite color had been green and that X-Men was his favorite comic. Still, she nodded at Rick and muttered a thank you.

      Those days go by in a complete blur. Enid couldn’t tell you who she’d spoken to or what she’d done. She could hear Carl’s voice in her ear the entire time. He wasn’t saying anything particularly profound, it had been almost like white noise. Random words, random expressions, sometimes the sound of his laugh. It had always felt like such an honor when she said something that would make him laugh. She used to think that Carl didn’t have a sense of humor back when he’d been nothing more than a creepy outsider. It was just that only little things could elicit a chuckle from him – Judith doing something cute, a quip from a character in one of his books and more recently, Enid’s presence. When she’d leap onto the bed to get next to him, when she ran her fingers up and down his arm, when she kissed him on his nose. The fit of giggles that escaped from his throat had quickly become Enid’s favorite sound in the world.

      On the third day of waiting, it hit her that she would never hear it again.

      Thankfully, all of Alexandria doesn’t go to the burial. The attendance is extremely small – Rick, Michonne, Judith, Maggie, Daryl, Carol, Rosita, Tara and Aaron. There are no dumb speeches, no crying. Everyone just digs (ignoring the crudely made coffin for the time being) while Tara plays with Judith. Enid couldn’t stop staring at the coffin. Carl was in there. Or, well, his body was in there. His lanky, freckled body that she used to make fun of for never being able to tan despite spending all day in the sun. His hands that always felt so warm against her cold skin. His hair that everyone hated but she secretly loved. It was all going to be gone. His body was going to spend the rest of eternity six feet under ground, rotting. She knew in her heart that it wasn’t him, that his soul wasn’t there, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. And it didn’t stop the weight in her chest from dropping even lower at the fact that she was literally digging her boyfriend’s grave.

      Rick’s been wearing Carl’s hat all day. Enid didn’t think much of it because of course he’d want some lasting memory of his son. Maybe he’s wearing it now so that they can place it on top of the grave later. It doesn’t bring her much emotion because if she’s being honest, she’s always hated that hat. She didn’t like the way Carl used it to cover his face when he felt insecure or how it gave him awful hat hair. And yet, it’s only when they’re getting ready to put the coffin into the ground and Rick takes the hat off to rest it on Judith’s head that Enid cries for the first time. “Carl,” the toddler states, clear as day.

      _“Did I ever tell you that I named Judith?” he’d said to her one day while they were babysitting._

_She shook her head._

_“Dad went pretty crazy after Mom died. It was just the group and me looking after her. She didn’t have a name for a while. Daryl nicknamed her Little Asskicker,”_

_Enid smiled at that._

_“I picked Judith. Sometimes I feel like that was one of the only really ‘good’ things I ever did. Gave an identity to her. Do you know what I mean?”_

_“I do.”_

_“Asskicker probably fits better though, don’t you think?”_

_She giggled. “Absolutely.”_

Carl had loved Judith more than anything. The calmest he ever was was when he was holding her in his arms. He’d cancel dates early to put her to bed. He’d told Enid so many things about their past together, like how he’d promised his mother he’d take care of her and how he started to feel like the world could be okay again when he and Rick had found her alive after weeks of thinking she’d been eaten. He used to reenact the episodes of his favorite cartoons for her and make himself look like an idiot just to make her laugh. Seeing Carl with Judith was what had made Enid realize he was a good person. And Judith wasn’t even going to remember him. She was just a toddler, just a tiny baby in the scheme of things, and by the time she was Enid’s age, she’d have no memories of Carl. She’d hear stories, maybe, if anyone who knew him was even still alive by then, but she wouldn’t remember him. He’d just be another ghost.

Enid broke down into tears, loud, hard sobs that shook her entire body. She made noises that didn’t sound like her, let alone human. She didn’t want to cry, she felt like such a fucking idiot for crying, for making a scene around all these people who’d known Carl for far longer than she. But she couldn’t stop. If a pack of walkers invaded right then, she wouldn’t have even noticed.

Maggie wrapped her arms around her and led her away. Enid let her. She wanted to cry away from these people, where it wouldn’t be embarrassing for her to grieve. She kept crying when Maggie brought her into the tiny, shitty house that they were staying in and she didn’t stop for another fifteen minutes. There weren’t even any thoughts going through her head, her mind was just blank. She knew what she was upset about, but it felt like it wasn’t even her crying. It was just her body doing the exact opposite of what she wanted. When she finally stopped, Maggie brought her a glass of water. She laid down in her sleeping bag and stared at the wall until she fell asleep. The world kept moving around her. It didn’t stop just because Carl was gone.

      _She’s stronger than I ever was._

      He had far too much faith in her.

      Before she knew it, days stretched into weeks. She travelled with Maggie back to Hilltop. She did her rounds and did her chores. She didn’t speak to anyone who wasn’t Maggie or Aaron. There wasn’t any need for those people. Fuck them. Their selfish asses didn’t deserve to be here when Carl wasn’t.

      An older boy flirts with her one random night when they’re stuck patrolling the perimeter together. He winks at her, smirks and bats his eye lashes, as if they’re not getting ready to shoot the first walker they see. As if they’re in high school and they’re simply walking between classes. Enid laughs in his face and says without any irony, “Take your tiny dick and shove it up your own ass,”

      The next day, the boy and some of his friends whisper about her. She approaches them and asks if they have anything they’d like to say and the boy scoffs “Just that you’re a cunt.” Enid decks him.

      She’s lucky that Maggie takes her side.

      Stupid things remind her of Carl. Each time she takes out a walker, she thinks of how Carl used to do it so gracefully, like he was born for this. The sandwich she eats for lunch reminds her of when Carl would share his sandwich with her and always give her the bigger half. When she found _Lord in the Flies_ in the library, it reminded her of Carl simply because it was about young boys running around killing each other.

_They sat on the couch in the Grimes’ living room, enjoying the rare peace and quiet. Rick and Michonne were playing outside in the grass with Judith and it had surprised Enid that Carl had chosen to stay in with her rather than join his family. He never did that._

_He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him so that her head rested on his chest. “What’s this about?” she asked him._

_“Can’t I just want to be near you?”_

_Enid blushed, reaching up to boop him on the nose. She’d thought that he looked so breathtakingly handsome right then with the sun reflecting off of him from that angle, like a movie star. She hadn’t mentioned that though, afraid that it would’ve been far too cheesy._

_“We should do this more,” Enid said after a couple of minutes._

_“There’s never any time,”_

_“You could sneak in through my window at night, like in Romeo and Juliet. We could do this there. Just hold each other for hours,” she said it with a smile, so that she could play it off quickly if Carl made fun of her._

_But of course he didn’t, because he never would. “I’m not nearly stealthy enough to pull that off. I’d fall on my ass and embarrass us both,”_

_“You always do,”_

_He laughed._

      The emptiness had quickly turned into anger and that anger had manifested itself into self-hatred. Why the fuck was she here and not Carl? All she had was Maggie. Carl had a whole family of people who needed him. He was far more useful than she was. He was the best shot in all of Alexandria by far. He made good strategic decisions. He’d save a random stranger just because it was the right thing to do. She was none of those things and yet Carl had the nerve to say that she was stronger than he was. How could he ever think that? She knew he had terrible self-esteem, but Jesus Christ.

      Enid lashed out at Maggie more and more and over the tiniest things. She was in the wrong, and she knew it, but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to even have to look at anyone, let alone be told to remember to wash the dishes. Her patrolling partners usually got most of her insults, whether they deserved them or not, and she’d been avoiding Aaron like the plague, not wanting to see his smiling face.

      Fuck anybody who had anything to smile about.

      She was on a run with Burt Baxter (a mandatory one. Fuck you, Maggie) when that weight in her chest returned and she didn’t feel the rage that she’d been feeling as of late. This setting was so familiar. It was something that she’d done with Carl dozens of times before, but in Carl’s place was Burt, who couldn’t have been more different from her boyfriend. He was tall and fat, never stopped talking, asked her a zillion questions, barely knew how to tie his shoes, let alone kill if he had to. Maybe that was a good thing. Enid thought to herself that it’d be a thousand times worse if he was anything like Carl, because then she’d be angry at the world for trying to throw a replacement in her face.

      Burt gets taken out by a walker when Enid has her back turned. She stabs it in the head and pulls it off of him, but it’s too late. The boy has a huge bite on his neck. Enid doesn’t think twice before pulling out her pistol and putting an end to it.

      It takes a few days for anyone to even notice that Burt hadn’t returned. Maggie approaches her one morning while she’s in the kitchen, sharpening her knife. “Have you seen Burt since your run the other day?”

      “He got bit. Had to take him out,” she explains simply.

      Maggie pauses and then stumbles on her words. “W-what? You just, you just weren’t gonna say anything?”

      Enid shrugs.

      “He has family, he has friends! They were worried! You should’ve told somebody so we could pick up his body, give him a proper burial. He’s probably walker food by now!”

      “So?”

      “So?! He was a person!” Maggie sighs and steps in front of her so they’re face to face. “Enid, I know . . . I know that you miss Carl. But you can’t forget about everybody else in the world –“

      Enid puts her knife down on the table and stands up, unable to control the words pouring out of her mouth. “I don’t give a fuck about everybody else! Who cares about everybody else?”

      “Carl did!” Maggie retorts.

      “Yeah, and where’s Carl now? Dead! He’s dead and he’s not coming back! Caring about other people got him killed! All he did was go out of his way for everyone and it didn’t do anything for him! So what the fuck is the point, Maggie? Tell me that,”

      Her surrogate mother stares at her with tears in her eyes. Enid had lost so much in her short life and she didn’t think that there was anything that she could do to make it better. But then she thought about Glenn, and what he would do if he was here. He always knew just the right thing to say. So she thought on it for a moment and then took a deep breath. “Did I ever tell you about the first time I met Carl?”

      Enid was still panting, still shaking with anger. “What?” She’d thought that this was going to continue into another argument.

      “It was back on my daddy’s farm. One of our men went out to get us some food and accidentally shot him. He was just a little kid, staring at a deer he thought was pretty, and got shot right in the chest. Rick brought him back to our house. Daddy and I fixed him up. I didn’t think he was going to make it, to be honest with you. He was so tiny and we only handled animals . . . but that boy surprised me. He was so strong,”

      “What’s the point of this? It’s just more shit he had to suffer through. That’s all Carl’s life was – one shit show after another. There’s no point in that,”

      “I wouldn’t have met Glenn if Carl hadn’t been looking for the beauty in the world that day. I wouldn’t have this baby. I wouldn’t have you,” she smiles thoughtfully.

      “But what does that do for Carl? He impacted other people, I’m not doubting that, but it did nothing for him in the long run,”

      She couldn’t deny that. “Yeah, but Carl brought so much good into the world. He made the world a better place. Can’t we just focus on that?”

      “No, we can’t.”

      _“You never went to a school dance, right?” Enid asked Carl as he hummed the tune to a pop song he remembered._

_“They didn’t have school dances in the fifth grade. Why? Did you ever go to one?”_

_Enid shook her head and leaned against him. The two of them were spread out on a blanket near the edge of Alexandria, watching the clouds float by. They’d been like that for a few hours and Enid hadn’t envisioned herself leaving anytime soon. “No. But I always wanted to. They always looked so cool on TV,”_

_“I never really thought about that back then. Only thing on my mind were action figures and comics,”_

_She smiled and took his hand in hers, playing with his fingers. “I guess it’s kind of lame,”_

_“It’s not lame. I’ve never danced, like ever, and I don’t really like the idea of a bunch of annoying, sweaty teenagers in a room together, but y’know, it could be fun. As long as I was with you,”_

_She pouted her lips at him. “And how would you ask me to said dance?”_

_Carl thought on it for a second. “My mom used to have a garden. I’d help her in it sometimes, though I definitely wouldn’t have admitted that back then. I’d pick you some of the best flowers and ask you to hang out after school. Then I’d give them to you and say, ‘Enid, would you give me the pleasure of attending the dance with me?’” he lowered his voice on the last part._

_Enid didn’t think she’d ever smiled so big in her life. “And then I’d take the flowers and I’d kiss you on the cheek and say ‘Carl, I would be honored to attend the dance with you.’”_

_“I’d be, by far, the coolest guy at the damn thing. And everyone would be jealous of me for getting a girl who’s way out of my league to go with me,”_

_“Please! Everyone would be jealous of me for going with you. There’s no guy in the world who’s better than you,”_

Maggie invited her to go visit Alexandria with her the following week. Enid agreed just because she was tired of bumfuck old Hilltop.

Michonne’s waiting for them when they arrive. Enid surprises herself when she actually makes a point of hugging her. She’d never been that close with the woman, but it was nice to see her. It was like she was still living here, like everything was normal.

“I have to go by the infirmary. Did you want to come or . . .?” Maggie asks once casual greetings are exchanged.

“Uh, I think I’m just gonna hang out,”

She walks around the perimeter with Michonne for a bit, neither of them saying anything. Alexandria is slowly being rebuilt and nearly everybody around them seems to be working hard. It reminds Enid of the way things had been when she’d first arrived here – everything had been unfinished. She didn’t feel the need to speak to Michonne and there wasn’t an awkward silence. If anything, the silence was calming. It was the quietest Enid’s mind had been in a long time and she felt grateful for the peace.

“You know I never would’ve been accepted into the group if it weren’t for Carl,” Michonne pulls at the skin on her arm, interrupting Enid’s bliss. She took a breath, looking away. “He’d tell you he didn’t like me at first, but I don’t think that’s true. I think it just took him awhile to warm up to people,”

Enid said nothing.

“He was different back then. Smaller, but not by much,” she chuckles. “Sweet, though, once I got to know him. He used to help the older people at the prison down the steps. Oh, and when we were on the run together, he always used to make sure that everyone had something to eat before he’d even take a bite,”

“Yeah, he still does that,” The brief smile on Enid’s face faded fast. “Or, he did,”

The silence returned, but this time, awkwardness was added to it. Michonne stared at her like she was trying to find the right words. “You made him really happy. I just thought you should know that,”

Enid looks at her finally. “Thanks,” She didn’t know what else to say.

With nothing left to talk about, Michonne took her back to the half rebuilt Grimes house, where Carol was babysitting Judith. Enid was happier than she thought she would be to see the toddler. She thought that the sight of her would bring her to tears, but instead, it brought on a genuine grin. Judith put her hands to Enid’s cheeks and squished her face together. “Pretty,” she laughs, even though nothing is funny.

Enid finds herself laughing too. Judith isn’t useless like everyone at Hilltop. She’s adorable and she’s smart and most of all, she was Carl’s entire world. She can see him in her eyes. “I missed you,” Enid whispers to her.

Judith runs past her to grab at her teddy bear. Enid can picture Carl holding the bear, making it dance, putting on shows for the baby with whatever props he could find lying around. She remembers the first time Carl had let her sit in on one of those times and how she’d felt so touched that he should share this moment with her, especially because she’d still sort of thought he was a creep.

Carl’s room hadn’t been destroyed during the attack. It had remained perfectly intact (the irony in that hits Enid square in the chest) and Rick and Michonne had left it exactly as he had. Enid recognized everything, but it didn’t feel like Carl’s room. It felt like an empty space with a sleeping bag and a couple stray items. If she closed her eyes, she could almost smell him. She remembers complaining about how gross teenage boys smelled, but now she thinks that Carl smelt better than every other teenage boy that she knows.

She notices a piece of paper on his sleeping bag and approaches slowly because even though she doesn’t really know what it is, she already knows what it is. In her own neat handwriting, not in Carl’s scribbly chicken scratch, are the words “Just survive somehow.”

It feels like so long ago that she gave it to him, like another lifetime ago.

It had meant so much then, it was a mantra that she told herself nearly every night. Funny. Those last couple of months of Carl’s life, she’d found herself repeating them much less.

But those words had still held so much meaning for herself and for Carl. They’d both survived sexual assault, which even with all the walkers in the world, Enid still thought was the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Carl used to hate being around groups of large men that he didn’t know, and Enid had always thought it was weird given his tough guy exterior, but then he’d explained it to her in his own quiet way of doing everything.

_“I know it’s stupid, given everything. But I guess . . . I don’t know. I just thought that you might understand,” he whispered and turned away from her, like he thought that she might think that he was bullshitting. She may have thought Carl was a lot of things at that time, but she knew he wasn’t a liar._

_“I do understand,” she tried to make eye contact with him. “And it’s not stupid.”_

_“What happened isn’t stupid. I just . . . feel like I’m being stupid. It didn’t even happen. My dad stopped it. It’s stupid that I act like it did. It could’ve been a lot worse,”_

_Enid had swallowed back the tears threatening to fall. She hated thinking about this. Every time the memories came floating up, she’d push them back down. And now someone was talking to her about it. “It could’ve been. But you don’t have to be grateful that it wasn’t. You still got hurt,”_

_Carl paused and then turned to look at her. “I get why you’re afraid of me, is what I’m saying. I mean – I know you’re probably not like . . . I know that’s probably not the only reason. I mean, a mess in general, but . . . it’s probably one of the reasons,”_

_Enid had wanted to tell him that the thought had never crossed her mind, but that would’ve been a lie. She thought about that with every man she came across and Carl hadn’t been any different. He was right, though, there were other reasons for her dislike of him. “I don’t . . . I don’t feel that way anymore. I trust you,”_

Now, those words hold new meaning to her. They make her think of Carl and the life he wanted for her. His final words to Rick made sense to her now, after what felt like ages. Maybe Carl hadn’t explained himself fully because Rick wouldn’t have understood, but Enid now did.

Carl’s grave is marked with nothing but a cross, made of sticks with a ‘CG’ carved in the center. He deserves better, but she gets it. Besides, Carl deserved better while he was still alive and things never got any better. The flowers that differ his grave from the others are a nice touch, though. Especially because there’s so many of them and they take up the entire length of ground above the coffin. Enid kneels down, hands in her lap.

“I miss you. I guess I should just say that. I really miss you. I miss how much I smiled when you were around and how you always knew what to say, even when you didn’t. And I hate that I wasn’t there to say goodbye to you. I feel like shit about it every day. I feel like shit about a lot of things. I’ve been such a bitch to Maggie – to everyone, really. I know that I’m wrong, but it just doesn’t feel fair that all of these people are here and you’re not. Like . . . why am I here when you’re not? You were a much better person,” Tears began welling in her eyes, but she didn’t feel the need to blink them away. “But I get what you said to your dad about me now. And I’m not mad that you never actually told me you loved me, because I know that words were hard for you. I mean, if I got a couple sentences from you on a good day, I’d consider that a win. But I have to tell you that I don’t agree that I’m stronger than you. You’re like . . . the strongest, bravest person I’ve ever met. You always believed the best in me, and I think that’s what I’m realizing now. I was so annoyed about those stupid words for forever, but now I think that they’re sweet. You’re sweet. I’m going to keep going, I’m going to get through this and I’m going to make it to see a better world, if not for me, then for you. You wanted me to be happy. I’m going to be happy one day. Maybe not soon, but one day. I’ll look after Judith. I’ll tell her how much her big brother loved her. I’ll check in on your dad and Michonne, too. They’re trying to act like they’re fine, but I know they’re not. You were their everything. You were their hope. You’re my hope, too,”

Enid took a long, deep breath and blinked harshly, pushing the tears out and making her see better. “I love you. I’ll always carry you with me. I’ll treat the world the way that you would’ve. Wherever you are now, I hope you’re finally at peace. I hope you’re finally getting everything that you deserve. Are you with your Mom? You always seemed like such a mama’s boy. Say hi to my parents for me, okay? They would’ve liked you. And tell Glenn that I’ll take good care of Maggie and the baby. I think I can do that now. I think that things are going to be okay now. You’re gone, but you’re not really. All the beauty in the world – these flowers, the sky, the sound of Judith’s laugh – I can see you in all of it. I can hear your voice in my ear telling me ‘Just survive somehow.’ It means much more coming from you. I love you. I love you. I love you. And if I find another guy or girl who I fall in love with, know that it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. You’ll always have a piece of my heart, Carl. I’m glad I could be apart of your life, even if it was just for a little while. I won’t let people forget about you. When the world becomes good and humane again, I’ll let everyone know that it was because of a boy – a man – named Carl Grimes who believed that it could be.”


End file.
